This morning I went to Starbucks. I have been in the habit of ordering a venti blond roast because it reminds me of a lovely man who was in and out of my life over the last year. I remember him telling me that the blond roast actually contains more caffeine, one of the many smart things I learned from said lovely man. So when we couldn’t be together it made me feel closer to him to order what he would drink. I know that is a bit silly, but somehow it made me feel more connected to him – even though he was living half-way round the world. Literally.
Again, without getting into detail, my relationship with him was the subject of last week’s Greek Tragedy post. And though the drama is over, the outcome was not what I was praying for. I know he did not take the decision lightly. I know the decision was agonizing for him. I know he is dealing with a lot in his life right now. Things that I cannot understand. Things that involve culture and family and tradition. But I know I wanted to be with him.
But it’s over and my life has to go on. I have to trust that the right thing happened. I have to trust that he made the right decision. And the good news is that I wasn’t really ready to be in such a committed and intense relationship right now. I have barely been divorced one year. I love the freedom that I have been experiencing (I even wrote a book about how fun it is to be dating again!). But it just happened that I fell in love. And you know what, that is the very best news of all. I fell in love. My heart, after years of a bad marriage and a bitter divorce, was able to open up. Wide open. To let someone in and have the capacity to feel a level of love, deeper and more passionate than I have ever felt in my life. Ever. It was truly a beautiful and affirming experience. I have the capacity to feel love. Deeply. Such a gift.
So onward I will go. Embracing the freedom to do what I want to do when I want to do it. Making all the decisions in my life. Answering to no one. Living the life of a single woman in my 40’s in the great city of Chicago where I can enjoy music, art, dance, fantastic restaurants, good wine and a bunch of amazing friends. And this morning at Starbucks, I ordered a venti dark roast.