This week has been one of the most beautiful, anxiety producing, hopeful, stressful and uncertain weeks of my life. I won’t get into detail, because you wouldn’t even believe me if I told you what is happening, but there is a decision that is being made. Not by me. But it could change the course of my life. I don’t mean to be dramatic, but that is the truth. The story is absolutely Greek-tragedy-worthy.
I don’t like not having control over this decision. Believe me, if I could make the decision, I would. But it is not mine to make. I have done everything that I can do. I have said everything that I can say. And now I have to trust in God, trust in the Universe and trust in the power of true love. And while I am usually fairly Zen about life, believing that things happen for reasons and such, this particular situation is challenging me far, far beyond my comfort zone. It’s an epic tale of love, miscommunication, culture and family. And unfortunately it’s not just a story. It’s my life.
So what does one do when a decision is being made and the decision may change her life and she has no control over it? I will admit that drinking copious amounts of alcohol was my solution the first couple evenings. Not a great solution at all, but it soothed my anxiety and allowed my mind to be altered just enough to process some of the extraordinary facts that had been introduced to me. I had lunch with a wise, comforting new friend and talking to her definitely relieved a little pressure from my spinning head (and the next morning a little buddha appeared on my desk). I had dinner with another trusted friend, who offered sage advice. I saw my therapist for an inspiring session and she reminded me how I have been calling in what I need in my life since my ex-husband left 18 months ago. She reminded me that this situation will be no different. And she told me to hold tight to the truth that I know and understand. I am holding on so, so tight to that truth. And I walked for miles and miles, listening to “Be Alright” by Ariana Grande, trying to convince myself that everything is going to be alright – and nearly believing it.
This weekend I will spend time with girlfriends. I will get a pedicure and some pampering at the spa. I will feed by body by eating nourishing foods. I feed my intellect by reading Modern Love: 50 True and Extraordinary Tales of Desire, Deceit, and Devotion by Daniel Jones. I will realize the tragedy of my own situation is not unique. I will realize that no one is dying here and that life will go on, no matter the decision. I will sleep in my bed. By myself. I will go to church. I will care for my soul. I will breathe. And I will pray for the power of love to win.