According to Urban Dictionary, ghosting is: The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just “get the hint” and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested. Ghosting is not specific to a certain gender and is closely related to the subject’s maturity and communication skills. Many attempt to justify ghosting as a way to cease dating the ghostee without hurting their feelings, but it in fact proves the subject is thinking more of themselves, as ghosting often creates more confusion for the ghostee than if the subject kindly stated how he/she feels.
I have written about this phenomenon before and I called it “poofing”. Either term works as something you need to be aware if you have followed my advice and embraced the technology of dating apps as a tool for meeting men. It’s possible to meet the type of man you want on these apps and it’s also possible to have a totally disappointing and frustrating experience. This, as we say, is life!
So this week I matched with a man on Tinder and he seemed okay. We were chatting back and forth, getting to know each other. Not too far into the chat, he asked if I had more pictures… I HATE it when men ask for pictures because A. I have a variety of good and current pictures already on my profile and B. I want to use this chat time to determine if this man is worth meeting – is he interesting? Is he smart? And he can only think about wanting more pictures of me!
Well, I redirected this one by pointing out that my pictures were current and I somehow we kept chatting and agreed to meet for brunch on Saturday. A bit later in the day he reached out again, and again asked for more pictures! I again, redirected and told him that I know he wants to see more of me, but that is why we agreed to meet for brunch. At this point started feeling really not great about this guy and his focus on my physical appearance. And while I am only interested in a casual relationship, his behavior made me feel objectified. And the more I thought about it, the more annoyed I became.
I usually use a situation like this as a teachable moment. I’d usually take the time to tell this guy his approach was not cool and where he went wrong. It’s my job to teach and help and make the world a better place for online dating. But instead I merely unmatched this guy. Ghost! Pre-ghost! I was gone. Maybe I was thinking more about myself and my time. It’s not nice to ghost but sometimes I endorse it. The point is to remember that you are in charge. If you don’t like something someone is saying or doing online feel free to move on.