This time last year, my evenings consisted of drinking bottles of red wine and hugging my cat. There was a permanent indentation in my yuppie, Design Within Reach, black leather sectional where I would try to binge-watch Game of Thrones, only to realize that episode after episode I wasn’t tracking or fascinated with much of it. The TV and wine were a mere distraction from the thoughts in my head which mostly revolved around what in the hell had happened to my life and how was I possibly going to move forward. Somehow I managed to go to work after basically drinking myself to sleep night after night. Thanks to the magic little green pills (Advil), I would show up to work and do a half-ass job. I was super lucky it was nearly the holiday season and things were winding down for the year. I was super lucky I had a boss who was patient enough to know it would just be a phase.
What had happened was that after several terribly unhappy years of marriage, my ex-husband and I separated. It was over. He made the decision. He moved out. I thought about ending it so many times but I would never let myself seriously consider it. I blame it on those damn vows. “For better or for worse” kept resonating in my head like a broken record, skipping and skipping, over and over. I convinced myself that loads of married people are unhappy, life isn’t perfect or ever going to be and a bunch of other rationalizations that propelled me further into denial. My ex-husband and I presented very well together. We were both smart, attractive and interesting people and I am positive that most people thought we had a perfect life together. In fact I know that to be true. And I had convinced myself that even though we had issues, my life was pretty good.
What is it about getting married or being married that is so intensely desirable that we are willing to sacrifice years of our lives to live in an unhappy state? This is a thing. I know I was not the first woman to do this. Nor will I be the last. I’m not saying that there weren’t some good times in my marriage, but it should have ended years before it did. Why did I think it was okay to be so unhappy? Why was I not truly living my life?
Well, here’s the good news. I’m divorced! It’s a year later and my life is already more robust than I could have ever envisioned. I kick ass in my job. I am surrounded by inspiration and culture and friends and rich experiences and dating is actually fun, ummmm really fun. I can see and hear and touch and feel more than I have in years and my life is incredibly vibrant. And I am very near to the completion of my first book which is all about my year of exploring myself and my sexuality and my life. And here in this space, I want to explore a lot of things – with you hopefully!
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